that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
