who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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