things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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