no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
