i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize