Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
