the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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