no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize