at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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