I feel like I'm in dance class right now
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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