it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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