Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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