I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
