My room smells like vodka and shame
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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