I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize