I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
