First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
