its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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