My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
