The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
