Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
