so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
