If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize