also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
