I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
