So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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