Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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