Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
