why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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