I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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