Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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