theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she looked like the before picture.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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