so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
