problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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