can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
