what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
