He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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