I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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