the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
