Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
