What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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