My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
