I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
