meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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