You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
