just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize