Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
