i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
