Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
