dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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