my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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