Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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