My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
