I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
